Holy and Magnificent God, thank you for being better than
anything my world can offer me. Thank you for calling me to a
higher standard than the world accepts. Thank you for giving me the
promise of a better future than any human can imagine. Thank you
for giving me a high calling to live up to you. In Jesus’ holy name
I pray. Amen.

when i am focused in on something.. putting much of my thought into what i desire, what i think is good, what i imagine will work best — i am still seeking to put God first. i am saying to Him, “Father, this is your life — this is what i am working on, if it is part of your plan — i know it will be blessed in happening. if not, i trust you, too.” but.. i am realizing.. that when i am giving speculations and desires for the future — God could be doing something in the downfall that i am blind and deaf to because of my own small desires. i think, sometimes, most of the time, i am thinking very small scale. i have low expectations for my life and my soul than what God has in store for us. this is why i am constantly in shock and awe of the way He can and does rock me, wreck me, shake my core. it’s fearful and freakin’ awesome.

my small scale mind gets awakened.. and suddenly i remember how powerful the God i serve and fear and love is. He holds us in His purpose with love and resolve for the things that benefit us — not in the ways we tend to think in, not in the short-term — but in building our lives to be a foundation in the kingdom.

i get so excited, sometimes, when i don’t get what i want. because in my heart, i feel that God is protecting me and preparing me to live in His time. it’s still kinda scary. things are all up in the air…

i don’t know where God will pull me career wise.. and frankly, i don’t care. He has made me an open soul and girl.. i can go anywhere He leads on a whim.

i don’t know what is in store for my relationship with p. i know, with Christ’s love and help, that i will love him, my brother, and seek to build him and push him towards the Cross for my whole life. in one capacity or another — whether he is near or far, remembering to be that support and love. unbeknownst to us, the future will change everything that we are comfortable with now. don’t know when or how.. but we are in for an overhaul. i know what i desire, but i don’t know how in tune those desires are with God’s plans. we’ll see. excited.

i don’t know how ends will continue to meet. i don’t know how friendships will change and grow or fall away. i don’t know how my interactions and ability to connect with family will change, shift. i don’t know how my involvement are devotion to 1.21 will develop. these are the things i don’t know, these are the things that i will soon be on the other side of and will know how God’s will played into how they will play out. i do know that His glory will be revealed in all of these things. that — i am sure of.

gracias a Dios.

i will not scream. i will not. i will.

i feel like AHHHhhhHHhHHHhHHHhhhhggggHHHhh. did you get that? hard to transcribe.

my head is swimming. the hands are shaking a little..insecurity rules my little body from time to time. i also kind of want to cry, but not from being sad. i have so many feelings. !!!. en este momento tengo miedo por mi corazon… es muy posible que mi corazonita va a tener problemas de amor y confianza y especialmente amor. tengo miedo por la futura.. por este dia. por mañana. tengo confianza de Dios.. y Su corazon. pero en el mismo momento… ya necesito mas de Dios. necesito la claridad.

claridad. este palabra no me significo. en mi vida, todo fue dudo.. o el mejorado. my heart is all kinds of needy. and clarity, discernment, seem so far off.

Father — what is your will, here? what is the plan? please, direct with YOUR hand that i can see. give me the strength to hear and know and, especially, to endure the future. protect my heart.

i need my heart to be protected more than i need to “know.” and i want no ownership in this happening.. i don’t want to have to protect my heart anymore… i spent a miserable lifeitme doing this until Christ freed me from my sins and burdens. i can’t close it off anymore. i don’t want to hurt, i don’t want to close it, i don’t want to protect it. please God. you are the first and ultimate Protector. the burden falls on You. i take no ownership over this heart anymore… if it loves, it is your will. if it hurts, also your will.

and Lord.. please bring your Comforter nature. please bring peace from teh worry and struggle we are facing. please bring perspective on how this plays into our lives and your purposes for our lives. God, be in this deeper than we are.

we can make this as easy or as difficult as we deem it. what is it going to be? are we going to struggle, continually… or are we going to follow hearts in trust and love? where is the line? how much of this is fear……. fear of being hurt again. fear of being judged. fear of misstepping. fear of hurting. how much of this is not the speaking of our own hearts, but a reflection of others. what is important? there is certain danger in letting fear drive. do we want to be defined by our fears, or by our love? what will define us… what we decide now will define any possible future. this is another point of frustration… i am learning not to lead. not to seek to control. in the backseat, i have no idea and no control over where we are going. i can give my input… but i have no real control. actually, maybe i am in the trunk. God in the driver’s seat, him in the passenger seat. me in the trunk. actually… this might be a two seater. i’m not even in the car. who knows.

fear. insecurity. this is not me. this is not how my heart and life were transformed to be. my soul and spirit were not made for this… part of God’s design for me was not to be subject to fears and struggles. part of God’s grace to me is that He will stand in my place and carry their weight. i just have to get all of this outside of me.. it’s not doing well bouncing around inside of my head. it’s not doing well at all. it’s festering and making things seem more dire than they truly are. we are all always seeking answers. i wish there were answers.. but i am afraid that the coming days will prove answers that are not my ideal. they are not my desires. this is not my affair to control.. and it’s not going to be what i think is best. God’s will will prevail and it will be better, ultimately, that what i imagine best. i am afraid.

i am afriad of losing the first man that has proven love to me.. that i learned to trust. a best friend that i love dearly as my brother, that offers so much more than than. he is first my brother.. and i will seek to love him best that way — no matter what the plans of God bring in the future. what does that mean? does that mean leaving him alone? time will tell. i hope not. i am afraid of this. it won’t feel good… to lsoe my best friend. it won’t. it won’t feel good at all. maybe this is my fish, my whale, that i think is bad,bad,bad but is God’s will to protect me. maybe, i’m speculating wildly, with – of course – worst case scenario. i’m not really allowed to think in “best case scenario.” but if God truly knows my heart, He knows my best desire from this. He knows, and i know, that i desire to have a beautiful, non-secretive, broken-but-alive-in-grace, Christ-centered relationship that will grow in grace and love to a Gospel-centered marriage and family.

that was hard to write. but it is true… and why pretend? why treat God or my friends like they are stupid.. when i know that this is what i desire in my heart. i want openness. let it all pour out. just get it out. all of it on the outside and not going off of the walls anymore. what an odd change in the past month and a half. form no struggle to this. this. this that is a wild, hilarious, painful picture of a Christian life and the struggle that brokenness has brought. God be with us.